Number Games

Good morning. It's Friday! My Halloween Party is tonight I suspected I would be more amped up than I am. To be honest it hasn't been the best week in history. Hopefully this evening will brush off this slump. I'm running on little sleep and some anxiety. Mixed emotions, letting go, hanging on, striving to get what I want, teetering on luck and the stars. Balance balance. This post is going to read extremely scattered and maybe even a bit somber. Apologies. It's just this time of year. Holidays+clouds and dark skies=restless heart. I'm going to spill my guts, for once. I may need a hug afterward.

Have I ever mentioned my overwhelming sense of numbers? I'm a counter. Always have been. I count myself to sleep. I count the stairs when I walk up them, every time, everyday. I suppose it may be a little "OCD" but I can't kick it. This year I've been hung up on the number two. It has changed my life. With the slide of a hand, reaching for that business card, my train shifted tracks. I can't say it's all bread and butter. It's not. I battle with "the two" and how I feel about it constantly. I wake up every morning and try to align my thoughts with bigger issues but I can't prevail. Ive written so many emails to myself. They're hoaky and a bit ridiculous but I feel like I should put them out here. I'm genuine, and crazy, and I strive to simplify, be an open book. In a sense, I want to be able to wear my heart on my sleeve. So here goes. I'm going to spill the beans. Here's an email I wrote myself this morning:

"Remember, that no matter what the outcome or the level of grief focus on the positive. He has vicariously provided freedom, insight and most important, the motivation to live your life the way you choose. Whether he chooses to be part of what you create or not it's crucial to remember that you wouldn't be where you are today without him. Just look, you are in the process of pursuing and art career. Getting out there. You don't need a weight/person to drag you down. You're an independent womyn. A strong willed, free spirited womyn! Void of a man and productive for the first time in a looong time. The hard thing to escape is that it took another man to put you in this state. You must not forget him for he is beautiful. Melancholy but beautiful. Mysterious but beautiful.

Don't think about it to much. Create something new each day. Eventually the attraction will fade and what's left shall exceed any material object. You will have confidence, a fresh perspective and hopefully a career driven by passion (art). Thank you, B. Thank you..." No regrets. No looking in the rear view. Weekend Wishes and Happy HALLOWEEN Xoxo!